Framed!
by forevacullens
Summary: Bella distracts Edward while he's driving, causing him to get pulled over! One guess who pulls him over. Who else goes down with Edward? Everything from singing to food fights. Post- BD. R&R. forevacullens & AlexandraCullen316 story.
1. I Have A Vision

**A.N. So, I am Alexandra, (the Alex from Taylor's profile) Taylor's friend and I am putting this story in her page because I am not allowed to post on my FF. account. I know, it sucks. Anyways, this story came to me when we were driving home from Columbia, SC during Masters Week (I live in the far south, so I call it Masters Week, not spring break.) and I saw like 12 people get pulled over. Hope you like it.**

**Now, a word from the beta... :) Haha! I know this isn't like my other stories, but I love Alex and I love her story ideas and we BOTH love Twilight. So, enjoy and yes, I am the beta for this... And ,Alex, your punctuation made me want to cry. XD**

"BELLA!" Alice yelled from downstairs. "Get your butt into my closet NOW, or face my wrath!!!" Great, the hyperactive shopping Nazi wanted to torture me again. I slowly attempted to get out of Edward's lap. He had held me like that since we arrived at the house this morning, kissing up and down my neck, over and over. At the time, I didn't think much of it. Now though, I was suspicious. He knew what she was planning, and he was in on it.

I turned around to face him, curiousity the dominant emotion on my face. "I have no idea what she's up to, as she is currently translating the Star Spangled Banner into Japanese," he said. He did look frustrated, extremely so. But he also had a look of innocence on his face, and not the fake one that Alice used when she wanted me to go shopping and participate in "Bella Barbie".

"I believe you, but I do have to go before she rips me apart." I told him as I tried to get up again.

His arms just tightened around me. "Screw Alice," Edward whispered in my ear, leaning to kiss me.

"Edward! Let her go or you won't get her back!" Alice threatened, suddenly in front of us.

"Fine," he pouted.

"Awwww, you look like you just lost your puppy. Sorry, but Bella's mine until tonight!" Alice gloated. His eyes brightened at that, but I was suddenly unsure if I wanted to know what going to happen.

"Bye Edward, I love you." I said, slowly attempting to get out of his lap again.

"Yes, yes. You're very much in love and can't bear to be apart for just a few hours. Now COME ON!" my ever-so-understanding sister yelled while dragging me away. We ran up to Alice's closet. It was bigger than I imagined. She led me through door after door, only stopping to lock the doors behind us. She must have some sort of secret to tell me, maybe she had a vision. It wouldn't stop one of us, but it would hopefully keep whatever she was going to say away from (Emmett's) prying ears.

"So," she began once we sat down. "I was working on one of my designs this morning while you and Edward were at the cottage and I had vision."

"Of" I pried.

"Patience and you'll see," she snapped, exsasperation coloring her voice. "You're right. Edward is planning something. He'll take you somewhere tonight and it's your job to not get there."

"Huh?" I asked.

"While he's driving to wherever he's taking you, distract him. Kiss him, touch him, lick your lips slowly, just so whatever you have to do to keep his mind off driving!!!" she demanded, narrowing her deep gold eyes.

"Why Alice, do you want to get smooshed into the middle of a Porsche Sandwich?! Me distracting him will just cause him to jump me in the Volvo, endangering it and people around us!!"

"No," She said quietly. "It will get him arrested."

"Arrested? What good is that for either of us?" I asked, upset.

"You know how he is. He never gets in any trouble because of that stupid talent of his. It will be good for him and you! He'll learn to live a little and you'll get "punished" by him. Doesn't that sound like fun?!?!" she begged, sounding very un-Alice like

Hmmm, being punished by Edward sounded like heaven and hell at the same time. "Okay, fine. I'll do it. But you have to help me."

"Deal, anything at all to help my dearest sister." He he he. . .

Alice got up pulling me to her makeup vanity. She put on mascara, eyeliner, and smoky eyeshadow. Then she put my hair half up, half down, held together by a diamond studded clip. I stood up and she handed me a deep blue, strapless dress. It was tight, accentuating all my curves and ending mid-thigh. The dress had a high waist, covered in rhinestones that matched the clip. She finally paired the outfit off with silver prada heels. All in all, a very beautiful look. Not one I would normally allow, but tonight was the exception.

"You're going to stop traffic tonight, Bella. That is, if you ever get where you're going." Alice told me.

"Are you sure he won't be mad Alice?" I asked her frantically. I was suddenly having high doubts.

"No, I can already see that he'll love what you'll do to him in the car, and then he'll have some interesting company at the jail. Plus, you know that he never gets mad at you, no matter what you do. You could become president of the Future Terrorists of America club, then bomb the entire East Coast and he wouldn't even bat an eyelash." Alice said, waving her hand in the air casually. "As Emmett would put it, he's totally whipped." She laughed, her voice high and bubbly. "But seriously, Bella. You have a mission to complete. No backing down. It'll be worth it."

I was now very nervous about what Alice had said, but I was just gonna have to suck it up and fufill my mission. Though I did think that Alice knew a little more than she was letting on.

**A.N. There's the first chapter, please leave reviews so me and Tay know what you think of the story. Funny comes later (at least Tay thinks it's funny.) Now, see that little button? It calls to you. Click and write words.**

**Forevacullens: Oh dang! That was shorter than I thought... Hmm... Don't worry, Alex has more chapters written and I'll bug her for them as soon as this is up... And I promise: it gets funny. My friends and I love the chapters she showed us so far. :) Honestly, this chapter seems more like a prologue, huh? Sooo! REVIEW. You heard Alex! Click and write words.**

**Forevacullens: And by the way, if my name ain't in front of the AN, it's Alex talking.**

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	2. Road Runner

A.N. Okay, here is the second chapter of FRAMED! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! Okay, so I don't know if you people are actually like that(the whole Alice-jumping-act),but I am right now! I have a story on fanfiction! I have a story on fanfiction! WHOO!

Okay, Alice-like rant is over. Here is chapter two, hope you like the semi-lemi goodness. (HA! I rhymed again!) (If you do not know what I am talking about, go check out the reviews for this story. Te-he. Oh no, she's back! RUN! RUN AWAY!)

forevacullens: yes, she's insane. yes she's retarded. yea, I hang out with her. I know... u feel sorry for me.

Disclaimer: Yes! I own the books! I own the books! WHOO! Ring ring. *Wakes up* WHAT?! It was a dream! NOOOOOOOOO! Gosh dangn't.

Chapter two

BPOV

I walked down the stairs to greet Edward, whom I'm guessing had already changed for our evening. Alice had briefed me on everything he had planned tonight. I had 34 minutes from when the car pulled out of the driveway to fulfill my mission. Whoo-pee.

There he was, standing at the foot of the stairs. Clad in a black tux, was him. The vision, the angel, the. . . Edward. His beauty still affected me, even after being with him for five years. Five perfect years of love and bliss. Nessie just made that stronger. God, I loved both of them so much, it was sometimes hard to choose who to spend each evening with. But, tonight, that didn't matter. Tonight, for the beginning at least, I was all Edward's.

I reached him and looked into his eyes.. They were a light butterscotch. Liquid gold. After I reached him, he pulled me into his embrace, eyes darkening with a hunger that had nothing to do with my long-gone blood.

"Bella, you look. . . just . . ." I watched, amused, as he struggled for words. It was so . . . human. Something that he hadn't done often since I changed. Me being one of his kind now. I loved him all the more for it.

I put a finger to his lips to quiet his rambling. "I know, you don't have to say a word. I feel the same way." I gestured to the tux.

He smiled, "Well, I'm glad then." He looked at his watch. "We do need to get going though."

I trailed my finger all around his face, tracing the perfect features, for once being intentionally seductive. "Let's." I finally said, pulling away from him. I took a quick look in the convientally placed mirror in front of me. His arms were still outstreched, his face bewildered. He was obviously lost without me by his side. And me not being there sadened me, so I decided to speed up the thinking process just a little bit.

"Edward." I purred. "Are you coming or not?"

He suddenly snapped out of whatever trance he was in and raced as fast as he could, arms snagging around my waist. "Of course. Where would I do without you?"

"Took you long enough." I muttered and leaned forward to kiss him.

"NOOO! Not the lip-gloss Bella! Hours upon hours of hard work slaving over a hot curling iron. Please, spare me the agony?!" Alice begged at our feet.

"Dramatic, much?" Edward asked her.

"You would be too if you spent hours polishing the surface of your piano, only to have Emmett do. . . Emmett like things." She snapped.

A look of horror crossed over his face. "My God, you're right." He looked at me. "No kisses until we are a safe distance away from the pixie." He smirked.

"Fine, whatever." Alice huffed.. "Ruin it Bella, just ruin it! Now get going kids, curfew's ten." She shooed us out the door.

"But Mom!" I played along. "It's Friday night! Let me stay out with Edward longer. PLEASE!" I begged.

"Fine, ten-thirty. But no later, and if you--" She turned to Edward. "--get her back even two seconds after the big-hand hits the six, I'm taking her for a sleepover for three days!."

"Yes ma'am." He saluted her.

"Come on. Let's get a move on." I pulled Edward towards the car, making sure to walk slower than usual. Alice had said that giving him a. . . full view would help start things off.

We reached the Volvo and Edward opened the door for me, always the gentleman. I climbed in slowly, making sure to brush my hand across his stomach. He trembled.

Still standing there, I snapped my fingers in front of his face. "Edward, yoo-hoo. Anybody in there." He grabbed my hand and kissed it, lingering, staring, inhaling.

He smiled and made his way around the car before climbing in. "Shall we?" He gestured to the open road.

I leaned over to kiss him, just barely brushing my lips against his. "We shall." I muttered.

He started the car without a word and drove down the driveway. Accelerating more and more with each meter. I decided that it was time for phase one of my plan.

"Man, I'm sooooo stiff." I stretched up and let my hand reach past the back of his head, resting on the other shoulder. I felt like one of those hormanl teenage boys that couldn't keep their hands off their dates. Slowly, my hand was pulled back. I grabbed on the curly edges on the fringe of his hair, twisting it around my finger over and over. "Edward, I adore your hair. It's softer than the clouds in the sky." Okay, now I sounded like a gay, hormonal teenage boy. I finally pulled my arm back slowly.

Edward growled when he no longer could feel the contact of my bare hand. "Don't even think about not touching me right now."

Wow. Maybe my plan was working. Time to continue. I let go of his hair, but my hand traveled down his chest, unbuttoning buttons as I went. I got to the loop of his belt and drew my hand so quickly up his chest that even I couldn't see it. Resting it on his face, I traced his lips. I then did what Alice told me. My tongue went up out of my mouth, starting in the left top corner and going to the side. I repeated the process with the bottom lip.

Edward growled again. "You are a monster." Was all he said before he swerved the car over to the side of the road. I heard the slam of a car door before I suddenly found myself on Edward's lap. His hands went into my hair, his lips to my neck. I had to stop myself from moaning uncontrolably. Of all of the places Edward kissed me—which was everywhere—my neck was my favorite, and he knew it. That little cheater.

But I soon found myself kissing him back, tilting his face away from his now southern descent to my lips. Alice must have put this dress on me purposely. The neckline was notoriously low. Darn fashion-obsessed Nazi. This was faster than I thought though, a lot faster. By my calculations, I still had at least twenty minutes to complete my mission. Yet, I don't think that it was over yet, seeing as there was nothing wrong with a car pulled over to the side of the road. A couple making-out intensely in the front seat.

"Edward, stop. We have to go, and someone might see us." I looked up into his eyes.

"No," he all but growled. I suppressed the urge to giggle. Poor sexually frustrated Edward.

"Yes. Now get off me and into the driver's seat before I drive your precious car myself." Okay. Now I had to laugh. His face was a look of horror.

"Not my baby!"

"Yes, your baby." The car door opened again and Edward was starting the engine. He sighed in relief.

"Are you really that scared of my driving?" I asked.

"Yes." He said simply.

"Well, I'm about to get a lot more scared of yours." I unbuckled my seatbelt and bounced onto him. He swerved, but kept the car on the road. Must be in need of a little more persuasion.

I swiftly leaned down and nibbled on his ear, pressing harder into his leg. His foot pressed into the pedal harder. He didn't do anything about it, nor did he seem to think twice that we were in his car.

I heard the car before I actually saw the flashing blue lights. I jumped off of Edward as fast as I could and opened a compact mirror that I found in my clutch. I checked for any imperfections, like smeared makeup and wild hair. Hmm, none. That's weird, considering what we just did in Edward's car.

"Edward, pull over." I demanded.

"Huh?" I asked.

"I said, 'pull over.' Okay?" I prodded.

"Why?" He was still dazed. Hmph, must do good work.

"Because. There's a cop right behind us." I watched his eyes go wide.

"WHAT?! A COP?!" He shouted.

I kept my cool, knowing what was coming. "Yes,a cop. There's nothing we can do now."

He muttered to himself. "Nothing we can do. Well, let's just see about that."

He started the car. I reached my hand over and placed it on his face. "We can't do that." I whispered. "We just can't."

He looked at me pained. "What if something happens? What if they realize something? What if we get into trouble? I can't let that happen to you!"

I smiled softly. "Nothing will happen. And if something does--" I kissed his hand. "--I can take care of myself just fine for one night."

He looked at me curiously. "One night? How do you kno--" He was interuppted by a soft tap on the window. Edward gritted his teeth and turned to face the sure-to-be-destruction of both of us. Charlie. With a gun. Coming to arrest my husband. This night just got better and better.

A.N. Sorry that it's sooooooooooooooooooooooo short. It's just really hard for me to write something like this. I'm not very experienced in that area.*batts eyes and blushes* Plus, it is my first story that I am actually letting you guys read, and** I know that it's not that good.** (TAY! IF THIS PART ISN'T IN HERE WHEN I READ IT ON THE PROFILE, YOU'RE SOOO DEAD!) I'm really not as good as Tay, but I do want to major in English Literature when I get to college. Either become an author **(probably will never get published)** or a person who reviews books and/or music for a magazine and has their name on the back cover. SO COOL! So hope that you like it, funny (for Tay, Julia, and hopefully you people) is in next chapter. Also, in EPOV who I like writing in A LOT better, so it's A LOT longer than the first two chapters. Those were just setting up the story.. Sorry for long rant. BYEZ!

forevacullens: if its bold its not true... haha funny comes next chap my loyal followers I PROMISE! and Alex. I spent HALF AN HOUR to FORTY FIVE MINUTES editing this thing... learn to spell and punctuate... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

REVIEW! It is not some cancerous disease. Won't kill you. Just like Nike, Just do it! BWA-HA-HA!)


	3. American Twidol!

**A.N. Here is Chapter 3, WHOO-PEE! BTW, Taylor. I probably will never get published. I am honestly not that good. And sorry. I write stories, not correct them. I would if I could, but I can't so I won't. HA! **

Discliamer: What do you think?

Chapter 3: Jail-Time with Emmett and American Twidol

**EPOV**

I couldn't believe that Bella did that to me. That little vixen. I saw the cop coming around and gritted me teeth. Charlie. He looked a little to happy for the fact that it was his son-in-law behind the wheel.

_Hmmm. . . Never liked him. Or his "big" Brother. Might not have caused trouble while they were in school. But now, two in one night. And I don't think that this will be last that I've seen of them. Must be a Bachelor Party or something. _Charlie walked around to the car smelling like dog. Must be hanging around with the wolves.

"Edward!? Bells. How you doing?" he asked faking concern and shock.

"Were fine, Dad. Just heading off to some party or another," Bella replied.

"Well, I'm afraid the party is going to have to wait tonight. Your husband here was speeding way-ha-hay over the limit. Swerving, too. I'm sorry Edward, but I'm going to have to bring you in to spend the night so I can conduct a mandatory drug and alcohol test. Just to make sure, of course." He chuckled.

I hated how he spoke like I wasn't present. It reminded me of when Bella was still human. He would ignore me completely from "Hello" until we got to "Get out."

_Finally! Something to get him for. Bells will finally realize that him and most of his family are not for her. She'll probably divorce him. Jake can help with Ness, he won't mind and she already has him wrapped around her tiny fingers. Maybe they'll finally get together and she'll have a "real" Dad, _Charlie thought hopefully.

Ah-hem, Charlie. I am right here and I am her "real" Father! I didn't want to hurt him, but he was making it really hard.

Laughing out loud Charlie said, "Edward, I'm gonna need you to step out of the car and turn around. Hands behind your back." He hand-cuffed me and headed to the car, pulling me along.

_Him and the big one! This is hilarious! I can't wait to see Jake's reaction. _

Great, he's gonna tell the wolves. Knowing them, they'll overeact and start a war, saying that we "Endangered the lives of innocent humans by our reckless driving! Ness, come over and join our side! You belong with Jake and the pack!" Blah, blah, blah. I'm not normally this rude, but God. This was frustrating. Wait, something he thought. "Him and the big one"? Emmett? What does he have to do with this?

Charlie led me to the car and I knew. There was "The big one." Sitting in the back of the car looking like the cat that ate the canary sat my brother: Emmett McCarty Cullen. Oh God, Rose would be pissed.

_Apparently,_ Emmett thought, _singing under the "influence" is illegal. Did you know that? Cause' I sure as heck didn't. _

"No talking." Someone was struggling to hold back laughs from the front. I looked up and met eyes with none other than the child who wanted to take away my wife and then my baby, Jacob Black. No wonder it smelled like wet dog.

Emmett started babbling, interrupting my thoughts. Jerk. (A.N. That one's for you Taylor!) _I know what you're thinking, but I didn't do anything. I was just walking along singing quietly to myself when Charlie and the dog pulled up. They arrested me saying I was drunk and yaddah yaddah. But, we unfortunately cannot get drunk. They found beer bottles in my car, though. They smelled like dog, not beer. Traitor. I shared my Xbox with that guy! We were supposed to be like this!_ He mimed, crossing his fingers and beating them against his chest. He looked ready to cry. Baby.

We arrived at the jail and were led inside to be processed. The dog laughing the whole time.

_So, Bloodsucker. Arrested for driving under the influence. Not so perfect now, are you? And your Brother, too. Blondie is gonna be ticked off. I would stay out of her way if I was you. Probably for the next few decades or something. Maybe Ness can come live with me for safety. _

Over my dead ashes.

Charlie told Jacob to take care of me while he took pictures of Emmett. This situation might not be funny now, but Emmett intended to make it. I could tell from his thoughts and his facial expressions that he had a plan, and that it consisted of revenge, Barbie dolls, and chinese finger traps. Oh great.

After he was done with Emmett's mug shots, Charlie brought me in and told me to face the camera and do anything but smile. I decided to gloat. I had his daughter and granddaughter, and there was nothing that the dog could do about it. No matter how much either of them wished. Jacob had imprinted on her, but until she was eighteen years old, not just looking like it, she belonged to me and her mother.

Charlie didn't like the gloating face and decided to show me his strength when he pulled me over to the finger-printing device, yanking me arm only to flinch away from the rock-hardness as Emmett would put it.

Jacob didn't look too happy when I came out. Must have talked to Emmett, who was still mad at his Xbox traitor.

We were led to the cell only to find that we weren't the only ones in it tonight. There was some guy, drunk "as well" on the cot inside. He was about 5.2, a real scrawny fellow. He looked like a mini, ugly Alice. Ha ha once more.

"Jake, why don't you do the honors. Steve's been in there for a while now, and since it's your first day as deputy for Career Week, you can do it." Charlie said.

"Gee, thanks Charlie. That'll make my day!" Jacob replied, looking straight at me, grinning from ear to ear.

As soon as Charlie walked away, Jacob slammed the cell door in our faces. Gloating.

"Watch it, Mongrel! We are not afraid to break out of here." Emmett said.

"Please. You're all to concerned about the lie do to anything. Plus, there's a security camera behind me. They'd know your secret," He warned.

"You don't think were fast enough to block the camera?" Emmett yelled.

"Em! Shut up." I said

"Relax, Eddie-boy. You know I'm right," Jacob taunted.

"Watch it Jacob, don't want your words to come back and bite you in the butt," Emmett defended me, baring his large, white teeth.

That did scare him though. Jacob snorted and walked back to the front, fear still clear in his eyes and his nose scrunched up.

_Whoa. . . Where am I? Who are they? I'm totally wast--- Oooooooooh, I wish I had some fish on beans right now. That would hit the spot._

Fish on beans? "Steve" must be completely wasted right now. I wonder if it hurts as much as they really think it does?

Emmett crossed to the corner of the cell, motioning for me to follow him.

"Okay." He whispered as quietly as he could. "I don't want the dog to hear us. I plan on revenge."

Normally, I would not agree to this asinine plan, but tonight was not a normal night. On a normal night, Bella and I would be tucking Renesmee into bed right about now, then going to bed ourselves.

"Let's do it." I said excitedly.

He stared at me, perplexed by my sudden agreement. "Are you sure, little brother? You won't get in trouble with your wifey?"(A.N. That's for you, Kate and Tawny! Happy Birthday!)

"Just get on with it already! Before I change my mind!" I told him.

"Whatever, it's your funeral."He mumbled.

"What, Bella can get mad at me and Rose won't get mad at you?" I asked.

"Nah, she's used to it. Now, here's the plan . . . "

_*  
A few hours later  
*_

Jacob walked around the corner, grinning like an idiot. Why? Because he was holding our "dinner".  
Steamed Brusselsprouts, Macaroni and Cheese, Salisbury Steak, and a Brownie. Nasty looking stuff.

"Le-Chef cooked this up special for you. It's been a while since he actually had someone to cook for. Here. OH! And since there isn't many of you, you get TWO Brownies! Aren't you so excited?!" He grinned.

"Ooooohh! Two Brownies?!" Emmett yelled. "Eddie, can I have yours?" He asked, turning to me.

"SURE YOU CAN, EMMETT!" I yelled right in the dog's ear. He winced. Ha, ha, wait for it. HA!

"Yippee!! This is the best day ever!"Emmett yelled. He pulled out an Ashley Tisdale Barbie Doll from his pocket and starting singing while I played the Harmonica. Also from his pocket.  
"Ladies and Gentleman," He said before he started, while looking at Jacob. "Welcome to. . .  
AMERICAN TWIDOL!"

_You get the Best of Both Worlds  
Chill it out, take it slow  
Then you rock out the show  
You get the Best of Both Worlds  
Mix it all together and you know that it's the Best of Both Worlds_

For a Barbie, that doll was flexible.

"Umm, that's a Hannah Montana song, not Ashley Tisdale. Her theme-song is called "Fabulous"," Jake sneered.

"How do you know that, Powder-Puff?" Emmett asked.

"Ness," he answered.

"Oh yeah, well prove it!" I challenged.

"Fine." The dog's pride was hurting apparently.

_It's out with the old  
In with the new  
Goodbye clouds of gray  
Hello skies of blue  
A dip in the pool  
A trip to the spa  
And those days with my shades  
The whole world according to Mwa-ha_

He was dancing in the aisle. Miming the lyrics and hand motions.

_Ice tea imported from England  
Lifegaurds imported from Spain_

He pointed to Steve. I forgot he was there. He didn't look Spanish.

_Towels imported from Turkey  
And Turkey imported from Mai-i-a-i-aine_

He had picked up our dinner and Emmett had thrown him a blanket from one of the cots. He slapped the steak against his butt, then against the cell bars, then onto the blanket. He then wrapped it up and bit into it.

_Gonna Relax and Renew  
You! Go! Do! _

_I want Fabulous  
It is my simple request  
All things fabulous  
Bigger, and Better, and Best_

On Bigger he pointed to Emmett.  
Better: Steve  
Best: Him. No suprise there. Totally and completely insane, but unsurprising.

_Need something inspiring to help me get along  
Need something fabulous  
Is that so wrong?_

With him, it was wrong on soooo many ways.

_Hmmm, where did Jake get off too? He said that he was just gonna go deliver dinner to the convicts_. Charlie was giggling at the mention of me behind bars. _Great. I'll go check on them. He's probably still there, talking. Or gloating. He deserves to gloat. He got Bells, Jake got them behind bars._

I nodded to Emmett, phase one was a-go.

"FOOD FIGHT!" Emmett yelled. He shoved the trays into Jacob's hands, grabbing the gooeyist food in the process. He handed me some and slammed Macaroni and Cheese into Jacob's face, hoping to provoke him. It looks like it worked.

Jacob looked up from the trays, startled and angry. He looked like he was on fire. Shaking all over the place, cheese flying off him in the process. Oh, that would be a wonderful sight. Charlie knew about the wolves, so all he had to do was walk in and look down. Where there once was a boy about 6.9, there would now be a ten foot tall horse-like dog, quivering on the ground covered in cheese from head to toe.

I grabbed brownies and shoved them in his pants, and Brussel Sprouts down his shirt. He was wearing his "Deputy for the Week" uniform. Polyester everything tucked in the pants and shiny shoes. Well, once shiny shoes now covered in gravy.

Emmett looked at me for a second, I nodded twice. We both pushed Jacob chest-down on the ground, trays underneath him and ran to the cots. We covered up in the Blankets and went to sleep, having already destroyed the Food Fight part of the tape when Jacob wasn't looking. What then.

"Jake?! What the. . . " Charlie's voice said.

"It wasn't me! It was--" I could see him look over to us in Charlie's mind.

"It was who, Jake? Steve, Emmett, and Edward are all asleep." Yes, Charlie. Believe that we are all innocently asleep. Bwa-ha-ha-ha! Ah man, I sound like Alice.

"Edward and Emmet. They took the food and threw it, then handed me back the trays and pushed me down so it would look like I fell!!" He stammered.

"Do you have any proof? They look pretty asleep to me." Charlie asked. Thank you wonderful acting skills!

"The tape! I told them about the securtity tape! Go check it! You'll see!" Jake realized.

"I thougtht I told you not to tell the prisoners about the camera? If they try to escape, and succeed, we know how they did it and what to fix so it doesn't happen again."Charlie yelled, sounding mad.

"I was gloating." Jake said. He sounded like Nessie when she wanted to get her way. Pouting left and right and talking with the most adorable voice. She learned it all from Alice, darn Pixie.

_Good for him. A boy needs to brag every once and a while. But about the tapes?! Gosh darn't. _"Come on let's go check them." Charlie told him.

"Kay, be right there." Jacob said.

Charlie walked off, leaving a Cheese-drenched dog behind him.

"Ohhh, I've got you now! I'm gonna get you, and your little fangs, too!" And with that Jacob stormed off.

"Fangs? What fangs?" Emmett asked.

**JPOV**

Ohhhh, they were going to get it now. Uh-huh. They're in for it. There's a tape, proof. Nothing will be forgotten.

I followed Charlie into the back room. He probably thought that I was crazy, laughing like I was with wild eyes. Oh well, they were in for it.

Charlie unlocked the door and ushered me inside. He locked the door behind him and went to turn the tape on. There it was, ha ha ha ha ha. The focus stayed on me, coming in to give them their "dinner". It showed the big one, laughing and pulling a harmonica out of his pocket and handing it to Edward, then pulling a doll out. It showed him dancing around with the doll, singing. Then handing it to me. I started singing, quite well I might add, then dancing around, pointing everywhere and shaking my butt.

I turned to Charlie and he wasn't laughing, or shaking his head because the proof was about to come. He was glaring, anger evident in his eyes. Crap, I looked like a fool on tape. A fool with no regard for the rule about no interaction with prisoners, espicially interactions of this kind.

"I trusted you, Jacob." He said, and I didn't miss that he said my full name. "I rooted for you, wanted you to win. I planted the seed of getting with you in her head, and if this is how you repay me, you're no better than him."

"Now, come with me," he said. He didn't seem angry before, just dissappointed. Now, his face was tinted purple, and I felt sorry for Bella and the Bloodsucker if this is what he was like when they told him they were getting married.

He led me to the room to get processed and I knew what was going to happen. I was gonna be locked up in a cell for God knows how long, with two Bloodsuckers and human that made it impossible to escape the easy way. Crap, once again.

**EPOV**

"Not so easy being behind bars, is it, Mongrel?" I asked.

"It would be fine if you were in solitary, but I guy can only dream." Jacob replied.

Charlie had seen the tapes, and Jacob was now sitting in here, locked up, with us. Emmett had gotten revenge, or so I thought. He was right, though. I was beginning to wish that I was in solitary. Between longing for Bella, Emmett's vile thoughts and fantasies, Jacob's just being here, and _Leonard_, **(Drunk dude decided he had a different name)** I was losing it. We would of escaped ages ago, but Leonard –Lenny as he had said to call him – was sober enough to remember if any of us did anything at all. So far, the only thing remotely comic about this situation was walking in after being processed to find a bottle from Alice, sitting on the sink.

_-*Flashback*-_

"Ed, what are we gonna do about the drug tests? I heard from Carlisle that they need pee samples!" Emmet whispered urgently.

"Yes, Emmett. They require urine samples for the drug an alcohol tests. If alcohol and drug traces can be found in the urine, then there is enough in the body to become intoxicated. You can also tell how recently each was ingested. It helps to tell if the person went over the legal limit," I told him. Gosh, he was an idiot sometimes. **(O.o)**

_Urine, legal limits, intoxicated. God, Eddie. I knew that you went to Med School and that you're a certified doctor, but still. This is not "I'm a smartiepants so I can say whatever I want cause' my wife won't beat me up for it and yours will cause' my wife isn't as hard-core as yours" so just SHUT UP! Okay!? This is "Bella, Rose, come rescue us cause' were stuck in jail with a drunk guy, a moronic dog, and your father. HELP!" So there, just chill! _Emmett finished his rant.

We walked in and saw two bottles full of a yellow substance on the sink. Gross. On the bottles there was a note, taped with hot pink velvet duct tape. **(A.N. They sell that stuff in Office Supply Stores. I have some, IN THREE COLORS!)** The note said:

_**Yes, this is my fault.**_

_**No, you cannot kill me.**_

_**Your welcome.**_

_**Alice **_

_**P.S. The pee is real, don't ask where I got it.**_

Real pee, pink ink and duct tape, smiley faces. Whoo-hoo, this night is just getting better and better.

_-*End Flashback*-_

**A.N. So there's the chapter, hope you liked it and thought that it was funny.(Cause' I didn't) Thank Tay for the Barbie doll and harmonica. Oh, and for Jacob to be in the car. Thank me for Leonard, the food fight, and "American Twidol". Ba-Bye forevacullens fans! C U Laterz! (OME, I sounded sooooo gay right there..) Sorry for the "I hate the world" act at the beginning, but I'm not very happy right now. Mad at parents, friends, school, the world, ect. It just happens sometimes. I hope that you liked it, thought it was funny, yadayada. Please, just review. I have no strength to yell right now.**

**forevacullens: O_O Did you see that?! Up at the top and at the bottom! She totally trashed her writing! Review or PM me a message to give to her if you want her to take it back! Seriously, right now I just want somebody to remind her that people LIKE this story. IDC if its a review or a PM, (though a review would be easier), just tell her how wrong she is! RRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW!**


	4. internet

I will continue my stories when I can get on the internet...

Till then I miss Fanfic and I'm sorry for not responding!!! Please Forgive Helpless Mwah!

Kiss kiss miss y'all forevacullens


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